What Is Satisfaction...

I took a life satisfaction quiz just now. I got a score of 16/35. Talk about depressing. My score represents how I am just not satisfied with my life at the moment.

No one really tells you that life will be this difficult. That one day you will wake up and just not be happy anymore. That one day you won't even know what it feels like to be truly happy anymore and that you will question every single feeling you have ever felt since the day you were brought into this world.

There aren't enough books, articles or quizzes to tell me how to fix my life and be happy. I am just not sure that such a thing exists.

Happiness is a journey. It isn't just a feeling. It is that warm feeling you experience when you realize it is the first day of fall and the leaves start to change colors. It is a warm sweater or your favorite boots. It is the cup of hot chocolate that the guy you have feelings for brings you just because he knows you like it more than most things. It is when the sun shines on your face and all you can do is smile because it feels that nice and you don't feel that very often.

Or at least you don't think you do.

It is hard to describe what it actually feels like to be happy and satisfied with life. Will everything you ever want just be right one day? Or will you have everything you have ever wanted one day, just out of the blue? No.

I just know that happiness doesn't just happen. It is a long, sometimes difficult process that takes time and work and patience. Most of those things I don't have or don;t want to do.

I am a lazy person. It feels really weird to know you're lazy and have no idea how to fix it. You don't want to get out of bed simply because having that human connection for even thirty minutes doesn't sound nearly as exciting to you as laying there and watching Netflix.

But we all crave that connection with people and get frustrated when we can't have it. So, what do we do? We put ourselves out there and the moment something halfway decent comes along, we have no idea how to react because we haven't had that connection in so long.

I am getting way off course here. That seems to happen with all of my posts for some reason. But I am on the long and difficult journey of finding satisfaction in life. We all are.

-E

Pretending Isn't Me...

I wish I could say that I don't have to pretend that I am happy around the people I know and even my friends. I wish I could say I think I am doing alright and that I know where I am going in life, without a doubt.

Sadly, I can't say that at all. It is an odd feeling, a strange one, to love where you are in the moment, but when you are alone and thinking, you are being pulled somewhere else. Even if you don't know where that place is, you still know that you should go there and maybe everything will be okay.

I cry a lot. I am crying right now as I type this. I don't want to have to ask for help. I don't want to admit that I have lost my way, but I have. I am so far off of the path that I was on and I have no idea what I am doing right now. I have said that so many times in the past month or so alone.

People may tell you that everything will be okay. That eventually you will stop hurting and you will be happy and everything will work out just how it is supposed to. But.. what if this IS how it is meant to work out? What then?

Am I meant to be unhappy for the rest of my days? Am I meant to be alone?

I can't lie. I am utterly terrified of the thought. Some days I think maybe I am better off that way and sometimes I just want someone there. Just their presence would be enough for me, in my mind.

I thought I was going to be okay, but I think I have just been lying to myself. I have no idea how it got this bad or why it affects me this way.

What are you supposed to do when you are at war with yourself?

-E

Life Isn't Easy...

I am a sensitive creature. I probably cry more than I should and that isn't just a girl issue. That is a life issue. I can't help it. Most things just upset me or make me feel so sad.

I sit here tonight and wonder what the point of all of this is. Honestly. What is the point? Why do I feel this way and how do I make it go away?

No one really understands and I am not even sure they actually care. I don't blame them, though. It is hard to understand this. I really don't even understand it or anything at all anymore.

When you go through something so hard it changes you and your every thought and response to any situation. I just don't get it. Why.

I don't know how to deal with life anymore and it's not a joke and it's not funny at all. It really hurts and it sucks the life out of you. It takes everything you ever cared about it turns it into something you don't even recognize or want anymore.

I never thought I would be that person. The one that lets something control you and your desires and your feelings and every single thing that you are and will ever be. I never thought I would have to deal with anything like this, let alone feel this way.

It changes the way you think about every little thing. It takes away your desire to participate or be social with anyone. It controls you if you let it and I have let it control me for too long. I just didn't know what else to do and it was just so easy to not do anything at all.

I just wanted someone to be there. Do you know what that is like? To just need someone to be there for you and maybe not even to talk or anything special at all. For them to just sit there in the silence with you. To just be there. That is what I need.

I feel alone. I know I have friends and people who care about me, but something many kinds of awful has taken ahold of my soul and every part of my being. It is there all the time. It haunts me and makes me think twice, three times, even more about everything.

I can't explain it more than that. It is what it is and I have never felt so lost. I just want to know what to do. To be okay for once. To be happy. I don't understand this struggle, but maybe one day I will. I don't really know.

-E

Things Have Changed..

To say that things have changed around here since my last time to post on here would be an understatement for sure.

I can't even begin to really explain or comprehend how things change so fast, but the fact about life is that they do.

That is the one certain thing in life. Things will always change. Life will always have changes and as a being on this earth, we need to be prepared for those changes. Not only that, but we have to be able to embrace them.

Change can be a really great thing to experience in life.

How you perceive the change is really what matters when it comes down to it all.

That is what life is all about. It is not really what happens to you, but how you deal with it. Of course, there will always be things that happen that you may not be too crazy about and those things may make life harder, but the good thing about that is that the experience will give you a chance to grow stronger. It will give you the chance to really fight for the good that you want in your life.

I have often wondered how in the world someone can stay happy when things seem to be anything but in their favor and sometimes I still do.

But, I have also realized, especially here in these last couple of months, and with the help of a certain book, that the reason why we perceive things in a negative way is because of fear.

Fear.

It is such a simple word with deep meaning. Think about that for a couple moments. When I think of fear, I think of things such as losing someone I love or having to face the world alone. Those things bring fear to my mind and an ache to my heart.

All because of fear, someone can see the world as a scary place and will not see life as a blessing.

Let's change that thought of fear to love, though.

To be able to see life in that view. Love. Love always.

What would life be without love?

Fear.

Makes sense to me. It made sense to me the day that I read the very first page in the book that taught me this concept.

Ever since that day, I have tried my very hardest to recognize my fear of things and stop it in its tracks.

Fear is no longer a ruler of my life. I am no longer fearful of what I can or can't change. Taking chances is a huge reason why I am even writing this blog right now.

I urge anyone reading this to read "May Cause Miracles" by Gabrielle Bernstein. I would go as far to say that even reading the first chapter changed my whole perspective on life.

But really, a good question to ask yourself when faced with a situation when you are fearful of the outcome is, "Why am I scared? What am I scared of?"

I guarantee that there is a deeper issue there and that the outcome won't be as bad as you think it will be.

So, I leave you by saying-- Go take a chance. Make a change. Do something that scares you a little but will better you in the end. Live life.

-E

I Am Flawed...

I am imperfect. I make mistakes. I am flawed.

When I sat down to write what was on my mind, I wasn't sure how to even go about it. Usually, I can just sit down and the words will come right to me, just as they are right this moment. But, there was some hesitation.

I will be the first person to admit that I am not perfect in any way, shape or form. I will never be perfect and I do not aspire to be so.

I see reality and I honestly do not like it. I see people who are obsessed with the "idea" of perfection. This day and age, you can make something look perfect. Yes, you can make it look perfect or make someone look "perfect" defined by the aesthetically pleasing side of things.

But what I do not understand and I am not sure that I ever will is WHY you would want to be perfect?

I have always thought that to be perfect is a myth & it is, don't get me wrong, but it is not possible.

There is only one way to be perfect and that is if you are God. So, I'm sorry, but your so-called perfect waistline, tan-line, rear end etc. does not make you anywhere near perfect.

You are only hurting yourself when you choose to be obsessed with the "outside."

More importantly, you are setting yourself up for failure and let me tell you why. Like I said, there is no such thing as perfection, no matter if you are a "perfectionist" or not, it simply does not exist in an attainable form. When you choose to only perfect the outside of yourself, such as what I mentioned earlier, you are selling yourself short.

What about what is inside? Your personality, your ability to tell a witty joke at a moments notice, your love of helping people, your compassion, your smarts... those things help to make you who you are. Who you REALLY are.

Why not focus on those? Why not use your personality for the good of others?

Honestly, ALL I want to do in life is to help people. If I am helping people in some way, no matter if it makes me feel good or not, I feel I am doing what I was called to do. Not to make my calling in life sound holier than thou or anything better than anyone else's desire in life, but I just have always felt that way. I want to do good. I want others to see the good in themselves and to stop selling themselves short.

I can't say that enough.

I am tired of seeing people who are so focused on what others see, that they completely miss how they make others feel or what others see in them that they may not yet see in themselves.

So, here is what I ask of you after you read this:
Be the best you that you can be. Take some time to think about the great traits that you have. I know I hardly named any at all, but you can do it. Think of how wonderful you are because of what is inside of you. I know that it is a task to do so sometimes, but it can be done.

You are wonderful & you are loved.

-E

Right Now...

I find myself aimlessly looking through articles on a daily basis. I love to read. Every day I will read new articles and I am completely fascinated by them.

Here lately, I have seen articles that range from, "What to look for in a future mate" to.. I don't know, "How to be happy."

They are mostly articles that are made into lists. Yes. Lists are my favorite. I have so many that I have read that I simply cannot keep up. 

So, I find myself sitting here at my desk in my room wondering about some things.. And I know for a fact that I am not the only one.. right?

Keep up with me here:

Am I meant to be alone for the rest of my life? 

Those simple words come with some room for self-discovery and adventure mixed with loneliness and maybe a little confusion. Right? Or am I wrong when I say that?

Who knows, really. 

I do pray that I won't be alone for the rest of my life because I believe that it is simply our nature to want to be with someone... to share a love that is an adventure and a catastrophe at moments, but is nonetheless, wonderful and something to work for. 

I know myself well enough to know that I want something that will be long-term. Who doesn't? But really, I know for a fact that I want someone in my life who will be there through everything, the great times and the seemingly worst of times. Through it all, I want to be assured that our love will survive it all. 

Who doesn't want the typical fairytale story? I mean, I don't want a fake sounding love story that seems to be too good to be true, simply because it is...

Relationships take work and time. So much work and so much time. But isn't it worth it? You want it to last forever, right? Why rush it?

I know that I don't want to rush into something, unless I am completely sure that it is worth it. I sometimes wonder how I will know when that happens. Will it just be something I know? Is true love at first sight real?

I don't have the answers to all the questions, but I feel like, with the guidance of God and my newly-learned ability to actually listen to my intuition when I think something is right or wrong, it will happen and I will just know. 

God will just let me know, just like He will let the man of my dreams know. It sounds like a dreamy-like occurrence.. almost like a fairytale, I guess you could say. 

So, maybe I do want my "prince charming," but I want him to be true and patient and kind and reliable and so many other things that I want to be, myself. 

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears." 

1 Corinthians 13:4-10

Remember that. It is so important. 

-E

Live Life...

I am kind of appalled at what I have seen recently on social media or on the news or anything really. What I am talking about right now is society's desire to outdo one another. Bigger and better. No matter what it is, as long as it is bigger and better than anyone else.
Is that really what we use to feel better about ourselves? Do you not think that will leave you feeling empty?
Materialistic things will not fulfill you or the emptiness inside of you.
Only GOD can fill you will a happiness and the joy that you need in life to feel good, actually really GREAT about yourself.

I think people these days are more focused on the materialistic part of life rather than the actual "living" part. We are far too focused on showing off everything we have. Whether it is our perfect life, friends, family, marriage, babies, etc. BUT we all know perfect does not exist, except through Jesus Christ. Yet, we still shove it in people's faces. Always trying to be better than others or do it bigger than everyone else. It is like we don't believe we are happy unless we are telling others that every single day on social media.

I think maybe, just maybe, we should try to actually live life and enjoy moments rather than worrying about getting a picture of it or post about it. Yes, a picture may last forever, but you aren't really enjoying life if you aren't even paying attention to it right in front of you day by day.

 You can decide to relive it over and over... OR you can completely immerse yourself in the experience ONE GOOD TIME and remember it for the rest of your life. Everybody doesn't have to know every detail of your life.

Here's the thing that I think people believe but isn't true:
Just because you don't post about it doesn't mean it didn't happen.

Do yourself a favor & get out there.

LIVE LIFE.

-E